I have a universal truth that I would like to impart upon you, fine denzines of the World Wide Web. A truth which I expect many to rebuff, or even attempt to contradict outright. But despite your lamentations to the contrary, this fact remains irrefutable: Americans love to see their celebrities succumb to horrendous fates.
Is it our bitter and vicarious human nature that causes us to rubber-neck life’s proverbial car wrecks? When one of our champions, a person we’ve raised to the greatest heights of acclaim, passes away in a foolish and pathetic manner, we all secretly rejoice while circling their putrefied carcass like a swarm of drama-hungry vultures.
And rightfully so, for it was we, the fans, who had fattened them up for the slaughter. These celebs, gorged on our attention and granted relative Godhood during their lives; They owe us, their loyal worshipers, everything. We demand that each grubby little posthumous secret be laid bare, so that we can wallow blissfully in all the trifling, dishonorable details surrounding their pitiful deaths.
How long had they been using? What drugs were found in their system on the toxicology report? We begin to dissect the individual’s life, piece by fetid piece, and the manner in which they died. Scrutinizing and digesting all the negative aspects so that we may feel better about our own mundane trespasses in life.
The drug overdose is a guiltless schadenfreude, and as far as pointless, shameful deaths go, it ranks pretty damn close to rock bottom. After all, no one puts a gun to your head and forces you ingest a lethal amount of narcotics–Do they?
I’ve compiled a list of America’s top five favorite celebrity overdoses. Stars who were both mourned and mocked by the general public as well as their “adoring fans”. Deaths that were widely reported on, and “tragedies” we just couldn’t get enough of. So now, without further adieu…
8-29-1958 – 6-25-09
When it came to popular music, Michael Jackson was the undisputed king. However, when it came to ingesting prescription narcotics, Jackson was a bonafide GOD. During his 41 year reign, media controversy surrounded him to a degree few celebrities ever experience.
On March 25th, 2009, the performer ascended to the heavens after ingesting a chemical concoction so powerful that it could have killed the entire alumni of the 27 Club several times over. He was only 50 at the time of his death, leaving behind some great tunes and a legacy of weirdness not soon to be outdone.
“The county coroner stated that Jackson died from the combination of drugs in his body, with the most significant of those being the anesthetic propofol and anxiolytic lorazepam. Less significant drugs found in Jackson’s body were midazolam, diazepam, lidocaine and ephedrine.”
4-4-1979 – 1-22-2008
Fortunately for Ledger and his fans, the actor finished filming for the hit movie, The Dark Knight, before moseying on into the eternal sunset that is the afterlife. Had he passed away a mere two years earlier, he would have been remembered as the gay cowboy in that one movie whose name sounds as if it were exclusively made for porn parodies, “Brokeback Mountain”.
Possibly the greatest travesty was Ledgers inability to reprise his role as Batman’s main adversary, the deadly sociopath, Joker. Ledger portrays a domestic terrorist, hell-bent on throwing the world into chaos. In life, he could only muster the kind of inner chaos necessary to obtain a fatal drug addiction.
“Mr. Heath Ledger died as the result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine.”
Philip Seymour Hoffman
5-23-1967 – 2-2-2014
What Phillip Seymore had in acting prowess, he equally lacked in the ability to be a good husband and father. The A-Lister had reportedly been booted from his former 4 million dollar home after his longtime partner, Mimi O’Donnell, discovered he was back to dancing with Mr. Brownstone. after nearly 23 years of sobriety.
Philip Seymour Hoffman’s lifeless corpse was discovered by fellow screenwriter pal David Bar Katz on 11:15 Sunday afternoon. He had spent his last days luxuriating in a 10k a month flat with over 70 bags of dope. Slamming away his troubles in between visits with his children and trips to the local espresso bar, he eventually chased the high to oblivion, ironically leaving his family better off in the process.
“Hoffman died of acute mixed drug intoxication, including heroin, cocaine, benzodiazepines and amphetamine.”
8-9-1963 – 2-11-2012
The beautiful songstress we fell in love with for her roles in movies like The Bodyguard died years before her body finally realized it. She was replaced by a crass, chicken-head with millions of dollars to spend on her favorite hobby in the world: Smoking crack-cocaine.
After the respective fame from their former talent began to wane, Houston along with fellow crack-head husband, Bobby Brown, made a career out of exploiting their debaucherous decline. Their gradual decay was well documented by the media. It really just goes to show you, you can take the bitch out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of a bitch.
“The office stated the amount of cocaine found in Houston’s body indicated that she used the substance shortly before her death. Toxicology results revealed additional drugs in her system: Benadryl, Xanax, marijuana and Flexeril.”
8-9-1963 – 2-11-2012
Farley was an SNL favorite who went onto star in his own successful comedies, frequently appearing alongside his Abbottian counterpart, David Spade. His style of comedy was an over-the-top, physical comedy, which burt with manic energy. How is it that the fans weren’t aware of Farley’s drug issues? Or maybe we did know, but still acted surprised when we heard about his OD. “But he was so young and full of life”, we would say.
The comedian’s appetite for food was only match by his appetite for hard street drugs, like heroin and crack. Had Farley gotten a hold of Belushi’s muse? Had it drove him straight to the top and into the grave? Or is this just another unfortunate scenario where an actor gets too big, too fast, and has the necessary bank roll to take their drug abuse to the next level?
“Toxicology tests found morphine, a painkiller derived from opium, and cocaine in Farley’s blood. His body showed no traces of alcohol.”